Affairs

Student – Hi Lama la, I have a strange question, which I hope won’t offend anyone. Traditionally, in Bhutan having multiple partners was not uncommon, and many of our parents and grandparents have a number of half-brothers and half-sisters. Nowadays, only a single partner for life is considered acceptable, especially in urban areas. My questions are these: In Buddhism, is it morally wrong or sinful to have affairs and is monogamy just a Western custom? I’m not looking for an excuse to have an affair, by the way, but just curious. Thank you, Lama la. 

Master – Buddhism is not interested in moral social etiquette and rules, which is why there is no marriage ceremony in Buddhism. 

If there were, it would no doubt be based on the timeless wisdom of the Dharma, such as reminding the newlyweds that everything is impermanent and subject to change. In this way, the couple will be prepared for adversity and face challenges with greater resilience.   

However, in a world where songs, movies, and congratulatory cards only promote the illusion of eternal love, I’m sure that the couple would not be too pleased to hear that their marriage could fall apart. Lol. So, even if there was a Buddhist marriage ceremony, it might not be very popular. 

So, does Buddhism totally ignore social interaction? No, but it approaches the issue from the angle of wisdom, not through the imposition of inflexible rules and regulations, which have a tendency to create a stifled, moralistic, and uptight society.    

What does this mean? What is a wisdom approach to social interaction? Well, as explained in the Four Seals of Buddhism, nothing in the universe, including our own bodies, exists as a permanent and independent entity, and believing it to be so is the root of all problems.   

Why is this the case? Well, when we consider ourselves as independent and permanent entities, we become a human version of a fortress, viewing the outside world as either a source of profit or fear, which in turn creates greed and aggression.

Explained in another way, aggression and greed are the symptoms of a wrong view of believing that we are permanent entities that are separate from others and the environment.  

Anyway, this subject is far too complex to cover in a short article like this. So, simply put, action is considered karmically negative or positive based on whether it is motivated by selfish aims that create harm for others or benevolent intentions that benefit them. 

As you will note, I’m referring to karma, not sin, which was the term you used in your question. Some people use the words interchangeably, but this is incorrect as they have a totally different connotation.  

Sin implies that there are a set of rigid decrees established by a creator god, and that those who transgress these rules are punished by that god. Buddhism does not accept the existence of a creator god, and so the idea of such rules and sin are also rejected. 

Instead, Buddhism recognizes that situations develop due to karma, which is the natural flow of cause and effect. Therefore, rather than asking whether a specific act is sinful, we should enquire whether it creates negative or positive karma. 

As you mentioned, traditionally people often had multiple partners. It was accepted in the communities, no harm was intended, and any offspring that were born through the relationships tended to be well looked after.

In modern, urban societies, however, circumstances are different. There is no collective raising of children as in a village and affairs tend to destroy families and rip a huge hole in the lives of the children.

As stated above, Buddhism is not interested in morals, but recognizes that deeds that are rooted in the preservation of an illusory self inevitably focus on personal gain while ignoring or downgrading the welfare of others. As this kind of action is out of sync with reality and causes harm, it is classed as unwholesome conduct and creates negative karma. 

Why does Buddhism not rely on morals as a guiding principle? Well, there are a number of reasons for this, but primarily it is because they do not represent the ultimate truth, but are merely man-made conventions that change according to time and place.  

Standards of dress and lifestyle that are acceptable in Thailand for example would be extremely offensive and even punishable in Saudi Arabia. The liberal attitudes to sex in the permissive 1960s in the West are now often frowned on in the more conservative 2000s. Furthermore, a moral rule may totally condemn the telling of falsehoods, but are lies bad when told to save a life? 

So, rather than considering action from the point of rigid morals, Buddhism takes a view that is not only pragmatic, but is also based on reality. So, if you are looking for a list of inflexible ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’ in Buddhism, you’ll not find it. 

Yes, there are guidelines, but these need to be viewed in the light of the ultimate truth, and not as isolated commandments dictated by a divine entity.   

In reality, we all know what it means to be hurt and to feel kindness, which is why we use harsh words or physical blows when we intend to harm others. In contrast, we use gentle and caring words when we aim to benefit someone and calm their emotions.

Practically, in terms of your specific question, a person contemplating cheating on their partner does not thumb through pages of edicts listed as ‘bad and good action’ to decide whether to press ahead with this idea, but instead reflects on whether his or her motivation is to hurt or benefit others and whether the deed will create the conditions for harming or healing. 

If you are asking my personal opinion on affairs, well I noted that whenever I wrote the bio-data for addicts who were being sent to rehab in India, the first line was inevitably the same: “My parents were divorced and I was raised by an uncaring step-mother/stepfather.”

Academic research confirms my observations that family conflict creates trauma for young children, which later manifests as addiction, anti-social behavior, and depression. 

Again, we are not discussing morals here, but reality: Having an affair is not harmless fun, but an incident that has the potential to cause massive negative repercussions throughout the family, and a parent who cheats on their partner or abandons their family should not be surprised when their children later exhibit anti-social behavior or become addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, or gambling.    

In conclusion, Buddhism denounces any action that is done for personal benefit, while harming others. As stated, this advice is not a moral edict, but based on the most profound wisdom.

Finally, is monogamy a Western import? No. Apart from members of elite families, traditional societies in India, China, and most other Asian countries practiced monogamy, as it was believed that stable families were the foundation of harmonious societies. This thought was particularly prevalent in East Asia, where the ideology of Confucious exerted a strong influence on social mores.